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Revenge: An Act of Self-Harm - Changed Focus

Revenge: An Act of Self-Harm

Bittersweet revenge. How lovely?

Is it really, though? Feels good at the time, right?

But it’s funny how that feeling doesn’t last too long and you’re left with exactly the same anger and pain you had before you thought about seeking revenge.

I’ll be honest; I’m going to cut to the core in this post. It’s going to get deep, because I could write a book about this and the psychology behind why people seek revenge.

It’s not complicated why people do it. A pattern emerges so clearly.

And I’m not saying I’ve never tried seeking revenge on someone before. Of course I have, I’m human. We’ve all done it at some stage or other.

But as I grew in awareness, I understood that it was an act of self-sabotaging behaviour. Self-loathing behaviour, really.

I realised I was still left with the same bitterness that was running through my veins long before I sought revenge.

I’ll be frank: those who seek revenge are damaged people. They are dysfunctional and they are in pain.

I speak from firsthand experience here. I won’t go into specifics, but for those who know me, know I’ve been at the rough end of this, shall we say.

The conclusion? They’re extremely damaged people. Nothing more, nothing less.

Their background tells a story…

In some cases, you’ll never understand why someone wanted to seek revenge and hurt you so much. Oftentimes it’s to get ‘even’.

Sure, they may think the revengeful act they commit is equal in terms of the ‘they hurt me so I’ll hurt them back’ philosophy – but does their pain go away? Is their pain spread out evenly?


They’re still left with it. So why do the act in the first place if the pain still remains the same? They’re clouded by emotions, that’s why. And they carry past pain. A lot of past pain. And you’re taking the brunt of it.

From observing closely, I see there’s a link to people who seek revenge and how they act in everyday life.

I imagine you’ve seen the same pattern.

Sure, we all get emotional from time to time and act on what we feel. But, if you look at someone’s personality and traits properly, it creates a clear picture as to how and why they function the way they do, which is largely on how they feel.

If you know the person well who carried out revenge on you; stop and assess their life and all what you know about them.

Damaged people often share their pain with others, and they don’t even need to know the person very well, either.

But if you’ve been on the receiving end of revenge, then the person who committed the act is likely to have shared their complete past experiences with you, so you will have a fair idea about their emotional makeup.

The result? They’re still carrying around the pain they accumulated from childhood and teenage years into adulthood.

So think back to what they told you and how damaged they are.

How mistreated were they? Were they a victim of either physical or emotional abuse?

Were they really loved?

Were they supported?

How was their parents and immediate family members on an emotional level? Were they in pain too?

Did they treat the person badly? Can you see a pattern?

Now, think back to what they might have told you about their teenage years and see if it makes even more sense.

Any stories from school? Friends? Feeling left out? Were they center of attention a lot – or needed to be?

Was this craving of attention done in place of the lack they received from their loved ones?

Were they bullied? Did their loved ones support them during this time?

Were they the last ones to find a girlfriend/boyfriend? Were they not ‘cool’ enough?

What was their relationship like with their loved ones as a teenager? Did it worsen?

Were they controlled and manipulated?

Were they not allowed to be a ‘kid’?

How they were treated and subsequently acted as a child and teenager is a reflection of how they act as an adult.

Their pain follows them.

It’s not you that angers them – it’s their pain.

This is the part where we really need to think outside of the box.

So, you’ve done something to someone that they didn’t like. Or, maybe you didn’t. But for the sake of this article, we’ll say you did.

You have committed an act and the other person feels hurt, so they react and seek revenge to get their own back.

They aren’t angry or mad at what you did – the emotional response they felt is linked back to their past pain.

The act you did, didn’t cause them direct pain there and then. Yes, of course, it may have not been pleasant – but pain doesn’t work immediately like that.

Pain is conditioned, so their emotional reaction is from a wound (or wounds) they have that were made way before you knew this person, probably.

It just hasn’t been healed.

Because let me tell you. When you truly heal wounds and the pain associated with it – you don’t react emotionally like you used to because you’re healed. The pain has gone. It’s left you. There’s no reaction.

And this isn’t said in some holier than thou attitude. I mean it for real. You just don’t react at all. There’s no trigger anymore.

So when something happens unexpectedly that would normally cause you pain – you don’t react emotionally, you kinda think ‘Well, I didn’t see that coming’ – and you accept it.

Again, this isn’t preached in an egotistical sense at all. It just happens this way.

There’s no longer a wound.

So do you see the difference in how someone seeking revenge acts, and why? Because they’re carrying lots of pain.

If you did something that you’re not proud of; you haven’t caused them their reaction. It doesn’t happen immediately. Sure, there’s shock etc, but that’s a different story.

Their inner pain caused them to react this way. And I’m not saying this as a get-out-clause, either. And it shouldn’t be used as a free pass to try and cause damage.

In my experience, revenge-seekers tend to suffer with rejection issues, or lack of self-love and often suffered emotional neglect/abandonment as children. So it’s this wound that makes them seek revenge.

They want you to feel an ounce of the pain that they carry.

They want you to endure the deep pain they feel on a daily basis.

They want you to suffer because they are suffering.

And if you’re healed in certain areas like neglect, abandonment and self-love – then revenge is not even on your radar as you take whatever happens on board without reacting too emotionally.

You’re silently killing yourself if you seek revenge.

Okay, so the subtitle might seem a bit far-fetched, but it’s true. You’re killing yourself inside, there’s no doubt about it.

So many people say they feel better for getting even at someone. They truly feel they have mustered up some joy from an act of revenge.

Okay, so lets say they do think they feel better after getting even.

Here’s a question: Does your pain go away permanently once you’ve got even with someone?

Here’s the answer: No

We may think it does, and here’s why.

We feel an instant sense of gratification when we get revenge on someone. We consciously think that now the other person is suffering, our suffering has gone away.

We genuinely buy into this notion.

We feel a superior sense of self. We feel inflated. But this is our ego.

We even go as far as bragging to others in our immediate circle about what we’ve done. We feel proud.

Fast forward a few days and we suddenly feel anger making its way around our bloodstream linked to this very same person again, so we feel confused, which then increases the anger even more.

We ignore the anger, we try pushing it away, and we focus on the potential pain this other person will be in as a result of our revengeful act in an attempt to steer us away from this anger within and to make us feel better.

But the anger amplifies again.

This time it’s bigger and louder and it won’t go away.

Now, in ‘usual’ circumstances, most people lack the awareness that the act they carried out hasn’t actually satisfied their ‘needs’, so they seek more revengeful acts to carry out.

They reach boiling and breaking point when the anger is completely overruling them again. It hasn’t gone anywhere.

Their life is now back controlled by this other person. This person is now living rent free in our minds, and we’re angry about this.

We carry this dark anger and pain with us everywhere we go and people pick up on this immediately. It’s a heavy load.

It impacts us in various ways. Our vibe is off, but we aren’t aware of this. We’re not approachable or liked by many.

We have enemies and we blame everyone else for not liking us as if it’s their issue and nothing we have done wrong.

Someone with an element of self-awareness stops and realises the pain they’re trying to pass on to the other person hasn’t actually gone anywhere as it’s in them, and they’re merely trying to project it.

They understand removing this pain is in inside job.

They understand no form of revenge will satisfy them.

Their inner hatred isn’t for this person. It isn’t linked to them, but they think it is.

Any inner hatred is a reflection of what is going inside them and how they think for themselves.

Remember what I said earlier: When you’ve truly healed certain wounds, you feel no need to seek revenge.

You let go and move on.

You are better than revenge.

You are in charge of your emotions.

You are healed in many, many ways.

You fully accept and take responsibility for any and all pain you carry.

So if you feel the desire and urgency to seek revenge – go inwards and retrace your steps through life. See why you’re hurting.

It isn’t them, it’s your pain.

Own it, investigate it and heal it.

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