What a roller coaster of a year…
I’ve experienced pretty much every emotion possible during 2018, and changed my identity even more, in terms of my self-awareness cranking up a notch again.
I remember exactly one year ago and how I was feeling mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was already on my spiritual path – that started in 2016 – but a few external factors in my personal life hit me hard in 2017 and carried on throughout most of 2018.
I felt lost around Christmas last year. I remember in November time I started an intense healing crisis. It was no surprise really.
I had all this external pressure going on in my life that I had absolutely no control over, and on top of this I was on the self-awareness path going deeper and deeper into my psyche, which in itself has its tough times because you start changing old conditioned beliefs and patterns, which the ego hates, so it becomes a battle.
During the last half of 2017, three huge things happened in my life which completely turned my world upside down.
I was forced into a healing crisis and the despair and pain I was feeling was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I spent weeks and weeks in bed feeling lost, broken and torn apart.
But, because I had done so much inner and self-discovery work I knew this was all for the greater good and that this HAD to happen. I’d suppressed far too many emotions my entire life, and when you’re on the spiritual path the body forces you to open up and release this dark pain you’ve held on to tightly for decades, in my case.
I was purging, and I was purging heavy and hard. All that dark, gunky energy – all that sadness – was finally starting to shift and the light was allowed to enter.
There were some months where I had to be alone away from everyone. I was like a recluse in some ways, but it was welcomed and absolutely necessary. My soul was screaming at me to be alone and heal.
Partway through 2018 things started to ease and the healing was slowing down, despite the external issues out of my control still bubbling away in the background.
I found peace with the unknown. I found acceptance with the unknown. I welcomed the unknown and all fear had gone. I realised that I didn’t necessarily need to like what was happening, but I could accept it.
Many, many aspects of my personality took a tremendous shift. I was more assertive, rational, logical, emotionally intelligent, self-aware and could read situations much more than ever before.
I also knew myself on such a deep level – emotionally and mentally – that the very same emotionally conditioned patterns I’d healed, I could now see so clearly in other people.
I was now operating from my soul and I had a knowing that everything was going to work out just fine. I felt a comfort, when really given the circumstances of my life and on paper, I should be petrified. But I’d surrendered to the pain, healed many wounds and felt assured that I was fine and all what I was going through was happening for a reason.
There are people in life who will try to damage you. There are people who will try their utmost to effectively ruin your life, and these people identify and live their life from their ego-mind which tends to react in the form of anger, victim playing, hate, revenge and destruction.
Since experiencing a large shift, I could see why people project their pain so much. They are emotionally damaged and have layers and layers of trauma, which they will unlikely admit because their ego-mind is the one in control of their identity.
Their inner wounded child is crying out for help, and this is partly why they project their pain towards others.
They feel wronged and hurt, and at times wish the worst on others as a way for the person who the hurt is aimed towards, to feel an ounce of the pain they are carrying around with them.
As many know, any satisfaction they feel from hurting another only lasts temporarily, as their wounds are too deep and thick and projected hatred and hurt does not repair wounds.
Also, how you act towards another is a reflection of what is inside of you.
Self-love, compassion and self-awareness heals wounds.
One thing the self-awareness path has taught me is compassion. When I have been wronged, I understand why. I do not have to like those who have wronged me, but I have compassion towards them as they are hurting. They are in pain, and again, they aren’t even aware they are on a deeper level.
The last quarter of 2018 has seen a profound change in all areas of my life, and without the heartache, despair and healing, I wouldn’t be who I am today as I write this.
I see the world with new eyes and my perspective on myself and others has changed tenfold.
The pain that others can cause you has the ability to create a new you, if you handle it correctly. You have to take responsibility for it all; even the things you know aren’t your fault. Take it with both hands and own it.
Don’t blame, don’t rant and don’t play the victim as these are the very culprits that cause suffering, and not the act. No need to like it, but own it and feel the change within.
These experiences are lessons, and these people are your teachers.
With enough inner healing and compassion towards others, we can even wish them the best of luck in life with no ill feelings.
Sincerely, I am immensely grateful to 2017 and 2018 and the challenges it has brought me. I am attracting more and more abundance into my life that resonates with me, and this is because I have finally found who I am. He was always there, but he was wearing a mask for over three decades.
Old friends and acquaintances have gone. Old jobs have gone and old relationships have gone. None of them serve me now, and none would help me grow now, yet they all taught me so much and helped shape me into the person I am today.
So now I look back to how I was one year ago today – or even 6 months ago – and smile saying ‘So long, 2018! It’s been a blast!’ and welcome 2019, except there’s no need to wait until 2019 as my life has already changed profoundly in more ways than I could ever imagine.
So if you’re going through a challenging time and you cannot see light at the end of the tunnel – keep going! I assure you there is nothing we are not made to handle.
The tide will turn and the darkness has to be brought towards the light in order to heal.
I wish you all a very Happy New Year!