It’s no secret that most of – if not all of us – have felt lonely at various stages in life.
This can be when you’re on your own, or in fact in the wrong relationship with someone.
Yes, that’s right. Sometimes you feel you are more alone in a relationship with someone.
The majority of people cannot cope with the feeling of loneliness. They find it extremely difficult and run away from it.
Why? Because when you’re alone you’re more likely to find your inner issues and insecurities come to the surface to be looked at point blankly.
Sure, some say they really enjoy communicating with other humans – and absolutely, that’s what we’re here for, but we can also use this as an excuse to avoid being alone.
We can dress it up how we like. If we are constantly finding distractions to take us away from being alone, then we have problems. This isn’t even debatable; it just is.
I say this with immense confidence because I was the person who distracted myself all the time. Immersing myself in my cell phone messaging and calling people. Jumping into relationships with people shortly after one ended to find comfort.
Planning days and nights out with my friends, drinking beer alone, etc etc.
All I was doing was taking myself away from the pain I’d buried deep within me for decades.
People even admit to me the reason they occupy themselves is that they find when they’re alone ‘bad thoughts’ come to the surface and they have a ‘busy mind’.
So they run.
What if we could be with these thoughts and feelings and explore them? What if we can do some inner work to find out why they are there and where did they start?
What if we can learn to heal?
You’ll find most people say they cannot do this. Why? Because exploring your inner world can be painful – very painful. You’ve got to be made of certain stuff to want to explore your issues.
You see, us humans are like machines. These machines are programmed and we follow this program throughout our lives.
One thing most humans get confused is that they think loneliness and being alone are the same thing.
Let me tell you that they couldn’t be further apart.
Loneliness is a feeling that is generated within us, which is conditioned. It leaves us longing for something. It tries making us think we are missing out on something, and that this ‘something’ will make us better when we achieve, or get it.
Usually this is relationships for people.
Many cannot go very long without entering into another relationship. They’ll have a month out and convince themselves they’re ready to start dating again, but the truth is they’re not.
Their machine is running away in the background and the same issues are lingering, but being buried again.
Being alone is a choice. It’s a conscious choice one makes. And usually this takes some amount of inner work to reach this stage.
I’ll be completely frank here. I was one of the most neediest, impulsive, clingy, attached people I ever knew a couple of years ago.
I was terrible.
I was like this in all manners. I’d constantly have to be in contact with someone or something. I’d be attached to my phone, meeting friends when I wasn’t really in the mood, and of course, I couldn’t go without having a woman in my life for very long.
And I wondered why I suffered.
During the path of awakening we learn to go inwards much more. We value being alone. We crave alone time, and we learn to dissect and master our insecurities and conditioned habits.
The clingy habits and neediness stops. But this can take time.
The being around others diminishes tenfold. But this can take time.
We do the inner work, shed some tears, finally find out why we have always behaved in certain ways. Why we hate being alone. We we feel we need to be in contact with others
The answers become clear as day.
And then we value our own time and space. We understand and become aware that rushing into something else isn’t wise and is only prolonging pain that needs to be faced head on.
We learn to be with our discomfort. We learn to understand that this discomfort and lonely feeling is just that – feelings. It is conditioned and isn’t who we are.
We sit with this unease. We feel every cell of our body craving desire. We feel that strong inner pull to cease this lonely feeling and distract ourselves.
We identify these feelings and desires as lifelong habits that aren’t ours to own anymore.
It’s not easy at the beginning. It’s not even easy in the middle.
You’ve got to keep allowing yourself to be with these feelings and inner pulls; to go inwards and listen to your body.
To resist the urge and temptation to fulfill a desire that is conditioned.
And the more work you do, the more you identify these pulls and desires as something you are not.
You then crave solitude, and love being alone.
You know the difference between being alone and loneliness.
You no longer seek someone or something to itch your scratch. You realize it’s temporary and your unresolved pain has gone nowhere.
Be with this lonely feeling. Allow it, let it run through you.
Yes, we creep back into old ways, and this is fine. But the more we become aware, the more we heal our habits and desires and feel freedom on our own.
The more comfortable you are with being alone will exude when you are around others. You act differently and show a different vibe, it is very strange.
Subconsciously, those you interact with know that you are grounded and comfortable in your own skin. They know you are a competent, self-assured and independent person.
They cannot comprehend this on a conscious level, but somewhere in them they know it.
Be with the discomfort and know that it is growth.